I Want

I must admit that I am truly rubbish when I’m tagged by other bloggers to write something. However, JB (of Mum of One fame) tagged me for a list of wants. Which is interesting as I am standing on the brink of big change. I’m too superstitious to share it until it’s in the bag. But I want change and change (I hope) is coming.

I’ve made big changes before. I packed up everything, threw in my job and went to South Africa. I changed a career. I became a mature student. I moved North. I’ve done all these things alone and all of them less planned more stumbling without much thought. I’d thought I’d only be in the North a couple of years (that was in 1995). Africa was only 3 months and then I figured I’d just unpack and put it all back as it was. Of course nothing goes back as it was. All these changes were with a background of objection from my mother.

This time I’m making a change and it’s no one’s business except ours. My small family of three. It feels very liberating.

I’ve been allowing myself to dream which is something I rarely do. I am one of life’s drifters, as I child the general view was that I wouldn’t amount to much and that was a view I very much absorbed. It took me until my 30’s to shake it off and even now I still struggle with the ‘not good enough’ stuff.

Life was something that happened to other people; careers, marriages, mortgages, children. I often felt I was on the edge watching that happen to everyone else. Unsure of how I made that happen to me.

Some of that stuff happened, when I least expected. I have a partner. I am a mother. I have a mortgage. I did have a job, some might even call it a career.

As a parent I have aspirations for my son beginning with a good sense of self-worth. I want things for him and things for us as a family of three.

It is a while since I worked, nearly 18 months which in the grand scheme of life and in my humble opinion isn’t that long. It doesn’t feel very long but in the world of CV’s and careers it seems to be on a par with adding ‘shop lifter’ to your list of previous roles. Employers do not look upon such gaps favourably.

I do want another job. I’m not sure what shape. I am beginning to think about what I want I’m still not convinced in my ability to achieve it. It is obvious that the thing holding me back is me.

I want to be in charge of my own destiny. I feel as if I’ve spent a long time in the passenger seat. “Hey Destiny. Take me where ever. I’ll just sit here until we arrive”.
I think I’m ready for dual control. Ultimately I want to be the driver.

I want a ‘forever home’. Somewhere we can live as a family and not need to move from.

I want pets. Cats, guinea pigs, rabbits, hamster, maybe a small dog. To be honest chickens and ducks.

I want a garden big enough to grow vegetables and with room for a trampoline. Decking would be nice.

I want a sunny kitchen, preferably with a glass roof and doors to the garden. People in magazines have them why not me.

I want one of those rooms in the garden. A sort of fancy shed but bigger with heating and electricity.

Small dreams, ordinary dreams, but for a good size for me.

What do you want?

I know I should tag but I’m not very good at that.

28 Comments

  1. Ali C-S (@Over_A_Cuppa)

    Your wants I similar to mine, a garden to grow veg in and a garden office/relax place. I do have glass doors out to some decking but nothing like in a magazine but I can live with that one. We would love chickens but already have dogs (one is at this moment gnawing a bone outside on said decking, it’s noisy!!!) and we have two guinea-pigs which are very sweet and they are just so quirky too :-) So my wants are not huge either all do able, not greedy, o.k the garden office is a far dream away right at this moment….Actually can I ask for a Aga?

  2. jbmumofone

    I think they are all lovely aspirations. And achievable. It is great that you sound as though you are having more faith in yourself. You should. You are a wonderful writer.
    (I would LOVE some chickens too but my garden is the size of a postage stamp. Ah well.)

  3. notmyyearoff

    I like the forever home one, I want that too. I know we have to move at some point but I’m just so lazy I can’t be bothered. I’d love a big veg patch with it but I need the skills to actually grow stuff and not kill them. But what I really really want is someone to come clean my house and do my laundry once a week.

  4. Asturian Diary

    Beautifully written as always (goddammit….I still haven’t done this post). I really hope all your desires come to fruition. They are all realistic and achievable. And well deserved. x

  5. Susanne@babyhuddle

    I want a lot of the same things too. I want a garden that doesn’t flood, with a tree house for Luka to hide in, a shady corner for Eva to read in and a sand pit for Bella to play in. I want a swing to sit in to watch the kids and I want some sunshine. I want to travel with my children. I want them by my side always. Oh, I love this post!
    xx

  6. e1aine

    I want to spend more time with my family. The ‘almost redundancy’ was scary, but I ended up believing that it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Your choice to put family first niggled at the back of my mind. Even though I got what I wanted out of the job changes (I relocated closer to home) I followed your blog with thoughts of ‘what if’. The new job has been very stressful and on Thursday I resigned. I have a part time job to go to which I am really looking forward to. In the end the money was less important than I thought.

    I can’t wait to hear what you have planned.

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