Everything’s Moving

There are knots across my back. I’m grumpy and snappy. I feel as if I am standing in a room and the furniture is flying around my head and so I focus on what’s outside, beyond the room. Then that starts to shimmer, no longer solid and dependent.

For over a year we have been preparing to move, decorating and dejunking. Saving towards our goal. During this period my job became ‘at risk‘. I expected to have to reapply for it, I thought I stood a good chance of getting my own job. What I wasn’t prepared for was that my job would be deleted.

Facing redundancy before, I took the money and ran before competitive interviews and the last days. This time is different I have a family, I am the main bread-winner. That happened by accident, but the responsibility is mine. We have shelved plans to move, which makes my heart beat faster, the panic I feel about schools and where we live now.

This time, I will have to apply competitively for a post. I need to convince work to reduce the hours of that post from 35 to 28, my preference for work/life balance, I have to make a business case.

What have I got to lose? I should go for the job. Put in my application, do the tortuous interview. Put myself through it for the sake of ‘us’ based on the slim possibility I get the role. If I don’t get it, I don’t have a job. I will have to hunt hard for another role in the current climate. I’m not sure how long the furniture of my life will moving around. I want the furniture back in place, reintroduce order.
Then I look beyond the room, and wonder if the voluntary sector is for me, I wonder if the city we are in is for us, I think this is an inevitability a response to the furniture moving.

My head spins. I feel weary and tired. Added to that. I have a wedding in a week and nothing to wear *flops into a chair and drinks gin*. Wish me luck.

33 Comments

  1. fastandluce

    Ouch! My head hurts thinking about it all! If you go for the Manager’s job – show willing, blah di blah and dont get it, do you still have to leave the job you are currently in? At least until the furniture is back?! As for the dress, I know all our lovely tweeting friends are helping you and I was checking their suggestions…the Wallis dress is my first choice!! Oh good luck Gemma, its far too much for one little person to deal with! XX

  2. Midlife Singlemum

    Seems like you have nothing to lose by going for the job. Life goes through these unsettling and frightening phases but they all pass. I wish you a speedy solution. lots of love, Rachel

  3. jfb57

    Gin is good! I only know you virtually but I know that you could do this job really well. I think they need to have the chance to hear a different approach. It maybe what they are waiting for. It’s a fag but just think what a difference you could make. As for de-junking – when you’ve done yours, pop round here please! 😉

  4. bumbling

    Oh Gemma – good luck. It’s a horrible position to be in.

    As far as the job is concerned? Of course you should go for it, but if you don’t get it, don’t let that get you down. It IS hard to go against a current encumbant, but sometimes a breath of fresh air is just what they need. None of this is personal. All of it is political and economic, and it all sucks 🙁

    Thinking of you xxx

  5. Emma

    I can sympathise how stressful it must be for you, but don’t lose hope. They may actually be waiting for you to go for this job you know… Chin up lovely, and I hope things even themselves out and become less turbulent soon. I am sure that you will look fabulous in whatever you wear to the wedding as well! Emma xxx

  6. mummy dichotomy

    ugh just reading your about your situation made me feel tense. one step at a time as it’s far too much to resolve all at once. Good luck! Oh and I loved the vivien of holloway dresses. Enjoy the wedding x

  7. spudballoo

    Soothes brow xx I think you ‘have’ to go for the job. If you don’t, you will always wonder. If you get it, then phew for that and make the best of it. If you don’t, it will be horribly stressful and difficult but sounds like you are re-evaluating everything about your life anyway. Easy to do when you’re 20 and have no responsibilities, a whole different kettle of fish when you’re a Grown Up with a family. Probably you will look back and see this as the turning point in your life, one way or another (so, no pressure then…ha). And I do genuinely believe that life has a habit of working itself out for the best, though it can be tortuous along the road.

    As for the wedding? Well, um…you know how it goes. No one’s looking at you, it’s only ever about the bride. And the bridesmaid’s arse (cf Pippa Middleton). Chuck on anything that fits, buy a new lipstick and TA DA! Done xx

  8. waterbirthplease

    concentrate on one thing at a time matey or you’ll go nuts. If you’re anywhere near Bolton and a size 10-12 I’ve got loads of frocks you can borrow! Failing that, I find asos.com has a range to suit most styles and purses. Big ol’ virtual hugs hon xxx

  9. Bibsey Mama

    Oh love. Horrible. But I agree with Emma above: it may be you that they are after. And regarding wedding outfit: I so get the pain in the arse that that is.

    Good luck with everything. We have everything crossed for you here at Bibsey Towers
    BM
    x

  10. SAHMlovingit

    Right…first things first – I have a black and cream sleeveless dress from coast (size 10/12 I think) that I’ve only worn once to a wedding (it’s gorgeous) – if you’re really stuck I’ll post it to you for you to borrow.

    Secondly, what’s to lose with the job? You should totally go for it Gemma. From what I’ve seen you from your passion and determination for things you should knock them dead.

    Thirdly…make it a double gin!

    There – sorted 😉

    p.s. Hugs and good luck!

    1. helloitsgemma

      honey! you are a generous star – thank you thank you. Cream, me, a 3 year old and a field would not be great combination – but thank you so so muc.
      Thanks so much for lovely words – really makes a difference XXX

  11. Mum in Meltdown

    Wow that’s a lot to contend with so definitely pour another gin. You really have nothing to lose with the job so defitely go for it. Hope it all starts to work out 🙂

  12. dichotomyof

    Bloody hell Gemma – the stress.
    I sympathise so much about the burden of being the breadwinner and change being forced on you. It must be so tempting to just draw a line under it, cliques are hard to deal with. It sound like you’re going to have to be entering the interview treadmill anyway, could you think of it as good practise with nothing to be lost? All the previous commenters are right – you could be the change they’re looking for.
    Bet you’ll look amazing in whatever you wear to the wedding (it could be worse, you could be making yourself clothes out of curtains..) Wishing you a decent night’s sleep and a rest from the whirling -x

  13. motherporridge

    You can only give the job your best shot and if it doesn’t work out another opportunity will present itself. It could be the best thing to ever happen. Good luck.

  14. Alexander Residence

    Sending you gin and sympathy. I hate finding clobber for weddings.
    The big stuff. I think you have to see wanting reduced hours as a positive for the organisation. Sell it to them in terms of doing the same work in four days because you will work smarter. Bet you can think of ways of doing that cos you are clever like that.
    We’re a bit up on the air and no longer need to be in this city. Feels wierd doesn’t it? And tempting to up sticks and do something totally different. I am coming to the conclusion that something has to stay stable for sanity, mine as much as kids.
    You will get there, step at a time. Stay in the now as much as you can, worry is wasted energy (yeah I should practice what i preach!)

  15. mothersalwaysright

    I realise I’m a little late on this, but I just wanted to echo what the others said – i.e. gin is good, as is wine, and you should go for the job. I know that feeling of uncertainly and unsettledness (is that even a word?!) too well and can only say the way I deal with it is to try and see it as a positive and know that things will get better (you’ve got to have hope, right?!).

    Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and know everything will be alright – if I work out how to do that you’ll be the first I share the knowledge with! x

  16. Parklover

    I hope things go well on the job front. Lots of wise words here already, but it’s always nice to have some more cheerleading isn’t it? It must be stressful and horrible, but remember you are great at what you do. And if you don’t get it, you will be great in another role.
    Meanwhile, I’m puring you a gin.

  17. Pingback: People, Places and an itch | Helloitsgemma

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