There are knots across my back. I’m grumpy and snappy. I feel as if I am standing in a room and the furniture is flying around my head and so I focus on what’s outside, beyond the room. Then that starts to shimmer, no longer solid and dependent.
For over a year we have been preparing to move, decorating and dejunking. Saving towards our goal. During this period my job became ‘at risk‘. I expected to have to reapply for it, I thought I stood a good chance of getting my own job. What I wasn’t prepared for was that my job would be deleted.
Facing redundancy before, I took the money and ran before competitive interviews and the last days. This time is different I have a family, I am the main bread-winner. That happened by accident, but the responsibility is mine. We have shelved plans to move, which makes my heart beat faster, the panic I feel about schools and where we live now.
This time, I will have to apply competitively for a post. I need to convince work to reduce the hours of that post from 35 to 28, my preference for work/life, I have to make a business case.
What have I got to lose? I should go for the job. Put in my application, do the tortuous interview. Put myself through it for the sake of ‘us’ based on the slim possibility I get the role. If I don’t get it, I don’t have a job. I will have to hunt hard for another role in the current climate. I’m not sure how long the furniture of my life will moving around. I want the furniture back in place, reintroduce order.
Then I look beyond the room, and wonder if the voluntary sector is for me, I wonder if the city we are in is for us, I think this is an inevitability a response to the furniture moving.
My head spins. I feel weary and tired. Added to that. I have a wedding in a week and nothing to wear *flops into a chair and drinks gin*. Wish me luck.