Hello June. Doesn’t sunshine make everything all right. Half term breezed by, filled with sunny days out, friends and left me with lovely memories. This morning, if feels as if the nature has played with all its settings; the birds are louder, the trees are greener, the followers are brighter. June feels good.
This month is my birthday, I love birthdays, but I’m feeling a little ambivalent about this year’s. I’m going to be 50. Which feels old and judged and mis-judged. 50 isn’t cool, it’s not the ‘new anything’ in a way that people tell you 40 is the new 30 etc. Most references I hear to 50 are derogatory. People tend to shriek slightly, as if suppressing something, in response to the disclosure of being almost 50.
My friends that threw parties for their 40th have let 50 slide by, barely commented upon. A couple of months ago I was struggling with it. I’m feeling happier, because frankly there is nothing I can do about it, pretending I’m not 50 feels fake. 50 isn’t catching, it is inherent we all get there. The tragedy would be not to get to 50. What I am the day before I turn 50, I will be the day after. I won’t stop shopping in Zara, or reading Red. I have to accept that age isn’t kind to how you look or how society judges you. I’ve never much dwelt on age until this year, my thoughts and feelings haven’t been without angst, worried that people will like me less for my age. Society reflects a lot of negatives on age and I absorbed them.
I’ve come to a point where it feels OK. Some of my very best friends are 50 and some decades less, there is no distinct definition of when, what, who, how. Life is fluid, less linear, than perhaps it was for my parents generation, but I think we still hold a little of those older values and attach meanings and values to age that I’m keen to discard, because I can only be myself and I’ve never been someone who fitted neatly into expectations, so why start now?
In June, there are lots planned, mostly inconsequential to my birthday. I’m looking forward to a weekend camping in Devon and meeting up with family. One of the reasons we moved to the South West to be nearer family and explore new places, this combines both and I LOVE camping. The actual weekend of my birthday the Mr is working all weekend. Me and my small boy will go to our local street fayre, which is on the same day, but I shall be pretending is all in my honour. Later we will eat pizza together. The plan is to get a bicycle for my birthday and I’m hoping for shopping vouchers and products (hello, interested parties who may be reading this).
There is a whole heap of small things I want to achieve this month, but I think I’m just going to see what happens, enjoy the month and eat lots of cake and probably of a lot of wine too.
Happy June to you.